The United Nations
A Satire By S.S.G
April 21, 1996. A day that will live in infamy. After a five hour of humping the floor of a yellow school bus, to dodge the Bronx's bullets and the east side's molgatovs, we had finally arrived in the heart of New York city. After surveying the casualties (several ruined manicures, one uzi round lodged in my friends pocket protector), we escaped the sardine can we believed would have become our coffin. We had broken the one cardinal law of life, to never wear a tie in New York city. Yet we had survived. Our destination was the united nations building, but our journey could never prepare us for what we would discover when we arrived. What would draw a group of teenage boys from a prestigious catholic high school be in the middle of New York city? The drugs? The sex? The united nations? We were among an elite group of complete nerds, whose sole purpose in life was to worship the United Nation.
It began over ten years ago, among local schools as a speech and debate competition. It took a turn for the worse once the college nerds discovered it, and ever since it has been a national battle, waged in the conference halls of the worlds most prestigious universities. Under the name of model UN, it has been a dangerous part of many high school careers. Participation in model UN is simple and open to all. After being assigned a country to represent, you spend several weeks (or months and possibly years), researching the position of that nation on dozens of dull and pointless topics such as racism in Antarctica or the use of cows and sheep as prostitutes. While my quarterback friend studied the female reproductive system in the back of his '69 chevy, I headed to the library, were I discovered prostitutes in Thialand sell for about 3 cents an hour. Perhaps there is a cure for that disease we call Kennedyism. Once the librarian kicks your ass and steals your lunch money, it' s time to go to your first UN conference! A conference is a three day orgy of intellect, with your mind running on pride, and your stomach running on jelly beans (avoid the exlax jelly beans before a speech). After a fist fight to determine who speaks first, the boredom sets in. After three decades of speeches by Asian effluence, it is finally your turn to speak . As you stand, you notice a smile come across the face of the Indian kid whose speech you accidentally snored through. You begin you speech as planned:
chairman: the chair recognizes the honorable delegate for a two minute speech...
you: thank you. As you may know, my nations of ...
Indian kid: point of order, could the delegate speak louder please?
You: as I was saying, we believe....
Indian kid: point of personal privilege, please open the window, its hot in here.
You: OK, to continue the most honorable nation of ....
Indian kid: point of order, could we please remove the delegate from Honduras, he has a strong odor of urine following him around the room..
you: and we will...
chairman: thank you, your time has expired
Americans often wonder why the United Nations gets nothing done. The answer is simple. When delegates are not busy obstructing peace negotiations, they're busy waiting for their computers to download nude pictures of Madeline Albright.
The real United Nations is an honorable, peace loving group, who have a bad habit of believing peace is only good in other countries. It is hard to believe a group of professional cash vacuums could not be somehow useful. Being a united nations diplomat is perhaps the greatest job in the world. Only the united nations can provide paid vacations, health insurance, compete immunity to all American laws, and a guaranteed parking space, anywhere in the city! Imaging the lifestyle, no bills, no rent, no Paula Jones lawsuits! Not even the president is that powerful.
My school trip to the United nations was an interesting experience. Once our bus, a sad remnant of the 1970' s, arrived at the UN building, we disembarked and waite d at the entrance gate. A short, middle aged security guard thrashed us through the gate as if we were herd of urinating sheep. as we approached the entrance to the actual building, we were met at the door by a blond, busty, 365 pound Swedish security guard. After removing the stick of dynamite I had lodged in my asshole, we were allowed to enter.
The United Nations security force is a group of highly trained professionals, (and the Swedish chick did a marvelous strip search). It' s important to remember that the bill of rights doesn' t apply on the UN grounds, so if you're gonna be searched, avoid the Italian guard. After we survived the gang raping of the guards, we entered the atrium. It was a large room, similar to the palace in The Wizard of OZ, and was decorated with posters commemorating humanities achievements , such as slavery, child labor, and mass genocide. We approached the tour desk, where a anorexic clerk handed us our tickets and directed us to the benches. We were met by our tour guide, a skinny, French girl who had apparently flunked out of bimbo school. We began by entering a small, circular room, with a huge globe suspended in the center of the room. Around the globe was a metal bar, which our guide in her short dress leaned (exposing the real world to us) as she pointed to UN hotspots around the world.
After fixing our teenage radar on her legs, we tracked her into the museum. The museum was a small corridor off of the main hallway which was filled with marvelous illegal arts, such as a modle of Chinas imperial city made of pure ivory or a model of burman boat created with child labor. The walls were painted with murals depicting the Jewish holocaust and the restoration of Europe after the war. Overall it was an impressive room, combining beautiful sculptures with horrifying depiction's of a nazi concentration camp.
The United Nations has dedicated much of its resources to fixing the problem created by the holocaust. Zionism, the quest for a Jewish homeland in Palestine, has caused many problems for the UN. Several major wars and a devastating oil embargo derived from the UN throwing the Jews were they didn' t belong. America was always a strong supporter of the Jewish homeland (perhaps because of the large number of Jewish-American voters). But the simple fact remained. Nobody wanted a Jewish homeland. America finally chose Palestine, a mandate under British control, in which mostly Muslim Arabs lived. It proved disastrous, to the point where in 1975 the united nations condemned Zionism as a form of racism, with only two nay votes.
As a human, capable of independent and logical thought, I ask myself: What the fuck? Can' t we all just be friends? Can we allow the mideast, the worlds oil barge, to lie asleep as we toss the torpedo of Israel overboard? Oil is the blood of the American nation. We use it in cars, machines, power plants, and condom lubricants. Can Willy Clinton really survive a condom crisis?
Once we have accepted the fact that the UN can' t do shit in the mid-east, we can start looking for its more affluent successes. The next stop on the tour I took of the UN building was the chamber of the world health organization, also know as WHO (as in WHO knows what there supose to do?). WHO has been very successful in eradicating the smallpox virus. However the bigger problem remains. The aids epidemics has spread rapidly through out Asia, the corner of the Globe the UN seems to avoid. Helping them would be simple. Sex education and educating the pe ople about the decease is the best way to save lives, but it all rest on the almighty dollar. Third world countries are often ran by ineffective dictator, who squander away the resource of the nation. And if you want to know why America doesn' t help, just try telling your grandmother the taxes are going up. Religion also plays a major role in the spreading of disease. The catholic church, along with many others, strictly condemns the use of a condom. While good Christians around the world hire sex slaves, they would never endanger their immortal souls with a one armed raincoat.
The WHO is proabley the most effective of the UN organizations. The reason is because it is the only organization in which everyone can agree. Good health is good. Money is good. Give use good money and we' ll have good health. End of story.
Unfortunately, the rest of the UN is not so friendly. The next stop on the tour was the security council chamber. The security council chamber is often compared to a boxing ring. Over 95 % of all delegate fist fights occur in this room alone. There is even a visible stain on the rug where they were unable to remove all of Yasir Arafats blood after a 1967 debate over the yom kippur war. He discovered that Israelis wear steel toed boots when he tried to greet Yitzak Rabin in the traditional New York fashion. He latter became the spokesman for a leading hemorrhoid medicine.
The security council is the most important, and least effective, of the UN bodies. It was designed to allow nations to bitch at each other, hopefully without nuclear warheads. It is dominated by the big five, Russian, America, France , china, and great Britain. Each of these nations is given a veto power, and nothing can happen unless all of the big five approve. In the true spirit of the cold war, nothing ever happened. The veto power was turned into a cold war race, with Russia vetoing over 116 times and America over 70. As the UN grew older, the other big three members got jealous, but what could they do? In an amazing shift of history, three of the most influential nations in the security council are now insignificant drops of urine in a storm!
The security council has had several success stories. One that enters the mind is the gulf war, in which an American led coalition kicked the shit out of Iraq. In less that one hundred hours, America reclaimed the captivated Kuwait from the hands of the brutal dictator sadam hussan. The American press loved it. What they didn' t love, however, was the fact that most of the weapons being used were American and Russian toys that were out on loan. We seem to have forgotten about the iran-iraq war, in which we actually helped train saddam's officers. But surprisingly, the forth largest army in the world spend most of the battle surrendering! Were the American eagle and the Russian bear that intimidating? No. Most of front line soldiers were Iraqi's who had lived abroad and chose a bad time to visit the fatherland. One surrendering battalion was filled with college boys from America , dressed in swimming suits and waiting for their ride home!
The security council may have been out chasing Iraqi college boys back in '91, but it has been much more serious recently. The UN boys have filled in such notable latrines as Somalia, Sudan, Angola, Bosnia and Zaire . It has done a fabulous job of preventing the people of the world from worrying about these nations, to the point where 99% of Americans couldn't find Zaire on a map. Yet it has given the American people a sense of security, and security is what all people want, even if we know that in reality we're doomed.
The security council plays many other impotent roles in world politics. The security council is Americas only open forum to impress our doctrine on the third world. It is a valuable tool in our quest to protect our interests overseas. Americans often take things such as less-than-minimum wage workers and cocai ne fields for granted. It is important to remember that without the use of American muscle in the security council none of this would be possible. Our ability to condemn the ills of other nations while reaping the benefits of their ills is the true power of the security council.
From the way I insult the security council, you would come to believe that world politics is created by a thousand monkeys at a thousand typewriters. This could not be further from the truth. The monkeys have computers, and it' s much more complicated than that. For instance, did you know the Korean war can be traced back to a New York hooker? On June 25, 1950, the Russian delegate was rumored to have been out having a morning matinee , when the UN passed the resolution sending troops into Korea. The Russian delegate was literally being "blown away" from the conference room. Once our tour group entered the security council room, we took a seat and prepared to watch the proceedings. It was a large conference room, with no special features, except it was blue. Completely blue. There was not a spot of white anywhere in the room, except on the back of the seats infant of us. Apparently the Pee Wee Herman was in the tour group ahead of us. We quickly left the room and headed down the hall.
Our journey down the hall was where we learned the most important facts. We noticed a restroom labeled "delegates only" and proceeded to enter. Inside was a most marvelous place. It was perhaps the only restroom in New York without semen on the stalls. The floor was paved in marble, with silver mirrors and gold toilet seat. Even as the most beautiful restroom I ' ve ever been in, it was distinctly New York. The delegate from the Vatican getting a BJ in the last stall was a dead giveaway.
As we continued down the hall, we located the conference room for the united nations trusteeship council. The room was fantastically futuristic , and was perhaps the finest room in the building. The trusteeship council was responsible for assigning big countries to help the new post world war II nations create their own government. It was extremely successful, and in 1994 the last of the trusteeships had become fully independent. Why then was this the greatest room? Because nobody used it except the tour guides who needed to give their groups a rest.
As it turns out, the trusteeship council became obsolete in 1994, but the UN still hasn't gotten rid of it. Needless to say the UN is just collecting junk, but there is a reason they keep it. To remove it would involve amending the charter, which will never happen because it would bring into question the veto privilege given to Britain and France, who were once great powers and now serve as the UN's janitorial staff. Why does America support them in this? Because if we piss off the French they' ll put antifreeze in our wine. And the British will toss beef at us (both the mad cows and the English boy-girls with crooked teeth). No veto is worth that.
The social and economic council was the next stop on our tour from hell. It was a hot April day, and we were fortunate enough to visit on the day the dehumidifier broke. After trudging on a UN supported death march we were so thi rsty that the sweat running down the leg our miss universe tour guide was teasing us. We selected a meeting room were the council on women was meeting. It was the only room with air conditioning. Yet after five minutes of listing speeches by women who looked like a cross of Janet Reno and Adolph Hitler, we ran back to our hellish route.
We walked into the general assembly room next. It is the room most often seen on CNN, where it is used as a third world grumbling forum. Its the part of the UN where anyone can say anything, without anyone giving a damn. It wasn' t until 1979 that the general assembly actually voted on something important. It approved the creation of a UN body to investigate UFOs. World peace, a clean environment, UFO ' s, where do they find the time? The general assembly really approve the UFO hunters, but amazingly the plan was never put into action. The secretariat branch of the UN is responsible for fulfilling all of the eccentric UN resolution. The secretary -general (refereed to as the emperor of the world by the right wing) is the ringmaster in this UN circus. He is elected to a five year term and must be approved by the security council. Recently election time has come around and the America vetoed the only candidate the rest of the world could agree on. With the traditional America arrogance we place the following in the New York Times
Wanted: highly diplomatic, non-smoking, married male or female. Preferably without a history as a war criminal. Must be willing to create world peace, eliminate nuclear weapons, save the whales, and limit private extramarital sexual affairs more than three (3) in any calendar month. Experience dealing with conceited anally retentive diplomats a plus. Low pay, office in the center of New York\'s finest ghetto. Benefits include free smallpox immunization and monthly office parties with free soda.
Without a doubt the same anti American neo-hippy was elected this year. The inability to find a decent substitute and the fact that the janitors couldn't remove his name from the door led to this corker. A merica failed to gets its top dog elected (in this case, a beagle named snoopy). Yet we achieved the one goal America had strived for all these years, a united nations that was completely dependent on American money and men.
America reaffirmed out control of the UN in 1997. The honorable Mayor of New York started throwing illegally parked cars into the slammer. Cars that were protected under diplomatic immunity. The diplomats went into an uproar. For the first time in 50 years, a story about the UN made the front page of the times. The mayor, who promised to clean up the traffic problems during the last election, was stuck between an ass and a pile of shit. In the end, a peaceful solution was made. The UN ceded that international law would yield to angry New York drivers.
75% of Americans believe the UN isn' t doing shit to help them. The other 25% (unlike bill Clinton) did inhale, and are busy waiting by the mail for the money the UN has promised to spend on south American drugs. If Americans know the UN sucks, surely the rest of the world will catch wind of it. Why do we still keep it around? The answer is simple. It has kept Madeline Albright and Boutros Boutros out of the porn industry, and has thus saved the lives of countless teenage boys, more than have ever been lost to the ideals of world peace and happiness. God bless the united nations.
(god , by the way, would never get into the UN. A dictator who had an illegitimate son with a virgin and latter allowed the kid to be tortured to death would probably get the human rights people after him. Then They' d tag him for not allowing woman in his government, and would set the feminist ballcutters after him. He' d come out, bent over and holding his groin, when the world health guys will call him a war criminal for inventing the aids virus. He'll be shipped to the world court of justice, were he' ll be sentenced to be executed. The next day, when the judges sober up, they'll launch a new trial and acquit him. As soon as he lights a giant victory cigar, the environmentalist will accuse him of destroying the ozone, and the Africans will assume his use of tobacco in the cigar and cotton in his boxer shorts is evidence of his support of slavery in the old south. He' ll deny everything, and become a Hindu acetic, wandering around naked, eating nothing but the bugs he finds on the ground. Soon he'l be jailed for indecent exposure, but the people from PETA will break him out, only to lynch him for cruelty to insects.)
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